FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
