Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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