morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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