omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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