I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
