that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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