No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
