He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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