The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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