Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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