just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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