I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
