Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize