Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
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