my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
