My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Randomize
