This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
