I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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