I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
