I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Randomize
