Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
