So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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