omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
