glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
