I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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