to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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