your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
