she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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