haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
