My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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