Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I faked an abortion last night.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
