I puked a lego.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
