someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
