Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
