I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
