If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
