I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
