the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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