"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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