I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
