She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
