Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
This toilet bowl is my home.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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