She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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