u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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