hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
