we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
