The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
