Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize