Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
ttyl tear gas
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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