Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
