Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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