The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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