belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
