Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
