if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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