JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
