So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
