Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
