What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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