Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
