I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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