What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
